Monday, May 05, 2008

Joepa Outraged at Closing of Breast Feeding Center

The Breast Feeding Center at PSU will close its doors on May 30th. The clinic has been open for two years and has helped 175 mothers raise strong, healthy, blue & white babies. The clinics closing has left mothers distressed and Joe Paterno outraged! Is this a Spanier-based power play to run Joe off? A Buckeye conspiracy to weaken the team? We were fortunate enough to contact Joe Paterno for a comment.

TINNOMJ: Joe, we know you are disappointed that the Breast Feeding Center has closed, could you tell us a little more about why you are disappointed?
JOEPA: Hell yes! That place was the cat's meow! You could go in there and see hundreds of women feeding their babies and giving them the nutrients they need to be big and strong! This is exactly the sort of program PSU needs to ensure that local boys grow to be 6'6" and weigh well over 300 Lbs!
TINNOMJ: Joe, what are you talking about?
JOEPA: I'm talking about a recruiting base, son! Each one of those babies was dressed in a Nittany Lion Jumper! They weren't going to forget who allowed them to use those pumps, it was PSU, goddamnit!
TINNOMJ: Joe, it is tough to imagine.....
JOEPA: If these tykes are nourished properly now they will be huge by the time I get my hands on them! I'll tell ya, I have had the 2024 season circled on my calendar for quite some time.
TINNOMJ: Joe, you plan on coaching until 2024?
JOEPA: Not any more. Those kids are going to be goddamn weaklings!
TINNOMJ: Joe, some people say that this is a plot conceived by Graham Spanier to drive you off or possibly by the Buckeyes to weaken the program. Do you have a comment on that?
JOEPA: AAAH, APPLESAUCE! Graham doesn't have the balls to give me the bum's rush and the Buckeyes can't tie their own shoes without my permission.
TINNOMJ: Joe, PSU hasn't beaten the TOSU since 2005 and Graham Spanier is clearly squeezing you out.

We are as stunned as you are.



BSD said...

JB, I think the offseason is getting to you. This post was a little disturbing. LOL

JB said...

I'm not going to dispute that the off-season is getting to me. It started getting to me pretty much the day after the bowls ended.