Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Top Ten Things Joepa Is Doing This Off-Season

Top Ten Things Joe Is Doing This Offseason:


  1. Joe hangs out at the Creamery just to let people know that the Peachy Paterno is actually named after him and NOT Jay.
  2. Recording a new workout video: Working Out The Joe Paterno Way. It is really about 60 minutes of Joe Paterno doing toe touches and hurling a medicine ball at a helpless Jay Paterno.
  3. Screaming encouragement at Sue Paterno while she cuffs, irons, and folds twelve identical pair of khaki pants.
  4. In an effort to help remedy his road rage, Joe is cruising the local highways for stranded motorists. Upon finding a hapless traveler, Joe helps by nailing fresh horseshoes on the wheels, proclaiming them good as new.
  5. Joe recently moved in to 609 Packer Hall in an effort to get to know the incoming freshman at PSU. The football God was received warmly but after two straight weeks of power-drinking and feats of strength his welcome wore thin. “I don’t think I can chug a beer and run all the way downstairs and then back up without puking.” Proclaimed frosh Timothy Galloway (English). To which Joe responded: “Oh, do you need to get your purse first?.”
  6. Taking Comm 497G. Joe did no work but still received a high grade after handing in a tablet which read only: My name is Joseph Vincent Paterno and I built this goddamn university with my bare hands.
  7. Joe is joining the training staff in an effort to improve the training table for the football team. A typical breakfast now includes: 4 raw eggs, a half pound of bacon, and a loaf of bread made from the bones of his enemies.
  8. Turning special olympic athletes into actual olympic athletes.
  9. Asking pedestrians to challenge him to jump over something, anything. Then winning and asking for nothing in return but respect and a 4 year commitment to PSU football.
  10. Constantly testing to see which liquor mixes best with G2. This way Joe can stay hydrated and well lubricated all day everyday.

Joe is bored out of his gourd! GET FIRED UP FOR THE FALL!

1 comment:

Mike @BSD said...

Good stuff. Bravo!